Najważniejsze były chwile, kiedy mama mogła być ze mną. Po całym dniu walki i przedzieraniu się przez każdą godzinę - godzina 16.00 była docelowa. To były chwile, kiedy nie byłam sama. Tak bardzo każdego dnia chciałam jej pokazać moje postępy. Każdego dnia siedziałam dłużej o własnych siłach. Sama zaczynałam jeść. W pierwszych 10 dniach nie było mowy jeszcze o wstaniu z łóżka. Mama przychodziła i opowiadała mi z kim rozmawiała przez telefon. Kto pyta, kto wspiera… Pomimo tego, że każdej nieprzespanej nocy miałam wrażenie, że jestem sama na drugim krańcu świata w „pustej” sali, gdzie tylko niewidoczne anioły są ze mną, to w dzień przychodziły wiadomości, że dużo bliskich mi ludzi odlicza każdy mój dzień od przeszczepu razem ze mną.
Cały dzień czekam na mamę. 3 godziny jestem z nią. 19.00 żegnamy się. Przychodzi nocna zmiana. Pielęgniarka podaje mi kolejna hiper dawkę zastrzyków i kroplówek. Czekam aż leki nasenne zaczną działać. Im jestem silniejsza, tym bardziej wszystko się dłuży. Czasem pozwolą mi słuchać w tle cicho radia. Niektóre pielęgniarki się nie zgadzają, bo jak tłumaczą ”nie jestem sama na sali”. To muzyka pozwala mi na chwile oderwać się z miejsca, w którym jestem. Są utwory, które już zawsze będą kojarzyć mi się z tamtymi chwilami.
W myślach przekręcam słowa piosenek i szepczę: „Boże, błagam pomóż mi…” Wszystko piszczy. Jestem obłożona z każdej strony drenami i wężykami. Nie mogę się ruszyć. Boli kręgosłup. Już nie błagam Boga, tylko pielęgniarkę o kolejny zastrzyk „painkiller”. Natychmiastowa ulga, po zbierającym się przez kilka godzin momencie kulminacyjnym. Patrzę w okno, za którym jest ciemno. I myślę o tym, co teraz robią te osoby, za którymi tak bardzo tęsknię. Zastanawiam się ile jeszcze czasu musi upłynąć zanim to wszystko się odwróci. Dziś już wiem, że wystarczyło pół roku, kiedy przeżyłam swoją najlepszą dyskotekę w życiu. Na której nie czułam zmęczenia. Żadnego. Tańczyłam do oporu kilka godzin non stop. Miałam najwięcej siły i radości ze wszystkich moich znajomych, a oni patrzeli na mnie zdumieni. I to jeden z miliona powodów dla których było warto to przejść. Może jeden ze zbyt banalnych dla niektórych, ale bardzo istotny dla mnie.
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The most important moments was when my mum could be with me. After the entire day of the fight and tearing for every hour - the 16.00 p.m. was goal. In those moments I haven’t been alone. Every day I have trying so hard to show my progress. Every day I have sat longer on my own. I started eat by myslelf. Since 10 first days I couldn’t think about getting up from bad. Mum had caming and talking about every person who call to her from Poland. Who is asking, who is supporting … although I had every sleepless night fellings that I am alone at the end of world in „ empty ” room, where angels are only invisible with me. Daily news from Poland - family and friends makes my fellings better and give a little bit strength.
All day long I had been waiting for mum. I’d been with her 3 hours. At 19.00 a.m. we have to say: goodbye. A night shift had coming. Nurse had given me next hyper dose of injections and drips. I was waiting until sleep-inducing drugs become operative. For them I am stronger, all the more everything is dragging on. Sometimes nurses let me to listen to the radio in the background quietly. Some nurses disagree, because how they were explaining ” I am not alone in the room ”. This music have let me tear away myself from the place in which I have been for the moments. There are lyrics and music which I will already always associate with those moments.
Madcon "Beggin"
Katy Perry "Hot n Cold"
Coldplay "Viva la Vida"
In thoughts I am mispronouncing words of songs and I am whispering:„ God, I am begging help me…” Everything is squeaking. I am surrounded from every side with drains and little
snakes". I cannot move. A spine aches. I am In thoughts I am mispronouncing words of songs and I am whispering: „ God, I am begging help me … ” everything is squeaking. I am surrounded from every side with drains and little snakes. I cannot move. A spine aches. I stoped beggin God and started beggin nurse for another one injection painkiller. Immediate relief, after the climax collecting through a few hours. I am looking into the window, behind which is darkness. And I am thinking about what now these persons which so much I am missing are doing now. I am thinking how many still of time it must pass before that's all will turn.
Today I already know that it was enough half year when I experience my best disco in the life. Which I didn't feel tiring out on. Of none. I have danced a few hours as much as possible non-stop. I had the most power and joys from all friends of mine and they looked at me amazed. And this is one of the million reasons for which it was worthwhile passing it. Perhaps one from too trivial for some, but very essential for me.
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The most important moments was when my mum could be with me. After the entire day of the fight and tearing for every hour - the 16.00 p.m. was goal. In those moments I haven’t been alone. Every day I have trying so hard to show my progress. Every day I have sat longer on my own. I started eat by myslelf. Since 10 first days I couldn’t think about getting up from bad. Mum had caming and talking about every person who call to her from Poland. Who is asking, who is supporting … although I had every sleepless night fellings that I am alone at the end of world in „ empty ” room, where angels are only invisible with me. Daily news from Poland - family and friends makes my fellings better and give a little bit strength.
All day long I had been waiting for mum. I’d been with her 3 hours. At 19.00 a.m. we have to say: goodbye. A night shift had coming. Nurse had given me next hyper dose of injections and drips. I was waiting until sleep-inducing drugs become operative. For them I am stronger, all the more everything is dragging on. Sometimes nurses let me to listen to the radio in the background quietly. Some nurses disagree, because how they were explaining ” I am not alone in the room ”. This music have let me tear away myself from the place in which I have been for the moments. There are lyrics and music which I will already always associate with those moments.
Madcon "Beggin"
Katy Perry "Hot n Cold"
Coldplay "Viva la Vida"
In thoughts I am mispronouncing words of songs and I am whispering:„ God, I am begging help me…” Everything is squeaking. I am surrounded from every side with drains and little
snakes". I cannot move. A spine aches. I am In thoughts I am mispronouncing words of songs and I am whispering: „ God, I am begging help me … ” everything is squeaking. I am surrounded from every side with drains and little snakes. I cannot move. A spine aches. I stoped beggin God and started beggin nurse for another one injection painkiller. Immediate relief, after the climax collecting through a few hours. I am looking into the window, behind which is darkness. And I am thinking about what now these persons which so much I am missing are doing now. I am thinking how many still of time it must pass before that's all will turn.
Today I already know that it was enough half year when I experience my best disco in the life. Which I didn't feel tiring out on. Of none. I have danced a few hours as much as possible non-stop. I had the most power and joys from all friends of mine and they looked at me amazed. And this is one of the million reasons for which it was worthwhile passing it. Perhaps one from too trivial for some, but very essential for me.
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